Here find my response to the December 31, 2013 prompt posted on Today’s Author Write Now! to compose an Anti Resolution List for 2014. I invite you to improve on my list by composing your own!
Being of simple wit and unsound resolve, meaning that I have yet to write any resolutions that I have ever adhered to for more than the time taken to write them, and some even less than that, by breaking them even as they were being written, I hereby submit for public viewing and community humiliation my 10 Anti Resolutions for 2014, in no particular order because that would require organization, and organization is one of the issues my resolutions should address, but obviously will not: ( I can’t count so maybe there are 11…15…)
- I will not foist on my grandchildren various and sundry roles taken from my stories in order to stage my suppositions about character conflict with graphic representation. Although my granddaughter is a terrific performer. And my oldest grandson is sympathetic and supportive of all things Bubbie. And the baby grandboy is just plain adorable.
- I will stop assigning my writing to the end of my Important-Things-to-Do-List. Writing is one of my really important things to do and it’s a task I sincerely want to do – every week, almost every day. My passion, my pulse, my petition to communicate. Now I have to do laundry.
- I will not hoover garbage while I write. Garbage in, garbage out, we all know this one. To this end I will stop hating broccoli and eat more of it. OK, I will not stop hating broccoli and I do eat a lot of it because it’s healthy, but I’ll eat more and complain less. Maybe. I will stop writing garbage – better resolution, anti or otherwise.
- I resolve not to turn on the computer before I shower and end up getting my tush stuck to the chair before I brush my teeth because the whole day seems to get wasted when I do this. Oops, here I sit, the heater warming up the bathroom, and I haven’t showered yet. Oy, how can I keep any resolutions at all, anti or pro?
- I vow not to add sodium laurel sulphate, red dye #4, saccharine, GMO soy beans, MSG, hormone infused milk, BPA, unidentified spices, nitrates, mini or mega doses of steroids, or phenabyoxcitalcarbidexocidetrin to the table of contents of any of my books. That crap ain’t healthy for children or other living things.
- I will not fall apart every time the folks in my writing critique group give me a negative review or question my sanity in writing the WIP or accuse me of poesy because I can’t seem to write a straightforward sentence to save my life, and here in the bloated vocabulary of my anti resolution list is proof that they are right and I can’t write! I promise not to kill myself. There’s always chocolate. And there goes Anti Resolution Number 3 on my list, another failure. Oh well, pass the kisses – Hershey’s, not your smooches! (Besides, I can write. My mom says so, even though she’s never read anything I’ve written.)
- I refuse to figure out how to be technically efficient because I haven’t so far, so why bother?
- I resolve not to believe in people who do not believe in me.
- I will not agree to have my book, upon signing the contract for publication, reviewed by Michael Chabon or Barbara Kingsolver. As if.
- I will not commit to begin writing at 2 AM if 8 PM is available as a better designated time slot. Yeah, right. Course I will.
- I pledge my troth not to fuel my writing binges with alcohol binges. OK, easy for me to troth since I don’t drink alcohol. Still, I troth not to.
- I cannot nor will not accept the National Books Critic Circle Award, the PEN/Faulkner Award, the Los Angeles Times Book Prize, or the Noble Prize for Literature. Their representatives are blocking the hallway as they clamor for my attention and it isn’t fair to others. Sure.
- I promise not to blame my parents for not getting published yet. It is, after all, their emotionally partial parental imposition that has led me to find a way out of the craziness of my childhood and prompted me to reflect about life in general, eventually to write. So, no blame to them for not yet getting published. Who to blame now?
- I refuse to introduce myself to total strangers as an aspiring writer. I am a writer, dagnabbbit, a writer I say! And here on this blog is proof! Aspiring is for wusses. And I don’t believe I’m a wuss. Then again maybe I am.
- I will not even begin to write my 2014 Anti Resolutions until a few days into the New Year. Today is January 3, 2014. Success at last! Success at last! Thank God Almighty, success at last!