Sparked by Words

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent Hdroski; (I’m pretty sure I spelled your name right but don’t know if you’re are male or female.)

I’m sending you my entire book Going for Cold as an attachment to this email, so you don’t have to bother asking me for it. Its a Gothic historical fiction steampunk romance adventure novel, and you’re gonna love it as much as my mom does. If you don’t count the chapter titles its 175,000 words long, give or take a few. I love to write as you can tell.

I had been reading a whole lot about how to write a really good kwery letter, and I want you to know I pay attention to advice. (WOW!!!! You cannot believe how many blogs out there give advice about how to write a kuwery but I think I’m following the best one!) So I read someplace that you were born in Outer Slobovia. Since I made my story happen in Outer Slobovia, I knew you’d think this is really intresting as well as unique. Of course, I haven’t been able to visit Outer Slobovia, as I can’t afford the plain ticket much less the hotels and renting a car there and everything, so I wouldn’t mind at all if you made a few corrections in my story, but only if neccesary.

My book is about this really beautiful girl in this little village in Outer Slobovia who is looking for her long lost lover who sailed away to find his fortune in some other country and never came back. Well not right away anyway. She was pregnant at the time he left even though, they weren’t married (I know that’s kind of a no-no, but that’s what makes books exciting isn’t it?) so she gave their baby away to Gypsies who were traveling around on the most beautiful Gypsy wagon, you can imagine. (You don’t actually have to imagine it because I describe it at great lenghth in my book but I wanted to keep this qwuery letter short so I’m not putting it in here.) So the baby, a really adorable little boy who looks just like his father except his father doesn’t know he exists, goes all over Outer Slobovia with the Gypsies………

The Gypsies are really nice people except they steel and cheat a lot, but only from people who are not Gypsies, and the whole group of them end up in a really cold part of Outer Slobovia. (I’m hoping you can tell me what part of the country is colder than the rest because I couldn’t find that out on Google. I figured you would’nt mind since you’ll want my story to be as accurate as possible as its really about your country.) So anyway, the little boy’s mother ends up getting sick and dying but mostly she really dies from heartbreak because she had to give her baby away after her boyfriend whom she really really loved didn’t come back in time for them to get married!!! Its so sad, isn’t it?

So meanwhile the boyfriend, whose name is Igor Igor (isn’t this a clever idea to give him two first names that are the same? I just loved it when I thought of it and almost named the girl Alma Alma but I thought that might be too much so she’s only Alma, just one name. And Alma had named the baby boy Igor Two but the Gypsies changed it to Timbo. I looked it up and it really is a Gpysy name) comes back to the little village where he and Alma fell in love when they were teenagers. He’s very sorry that she had died a long time ago but its really for the best because he happened to get married to someone else along the way to getting rich and now he has a wife and six children. And he did find his fortune in a gold mine.

So now someone in the village (I’m not sure if this person should be the village priest or the village gossip, you might want to make a suggestion) tells Igor Igor about his first son being given away to the Gypsies. So of course Igor Igor decides to leave his wife and six other children in the village while he goes in search of his oldest son, whom he thinks is still named Igor Two. All he knows is that they went to the coldest part of Outer Slobovia, and so he has to go to this very cold place to find his boy. But he’s made his fortune in a gold mine, so he has lots of money and other stuff at hand.

So now you get the title, right? Going for Cold instead of Going for Gold like most people would ordinarily say. I have to admit that the title at first was Going for Gold but then I thought of this really GENUIS idea for the new title Going for Cold!!! Everyone is going to want to read the book just to figure out if the title is a typo, right? And of course, all the symbolism about what’s the real gold or the real cold in the sory but I’ll leave all that to other people to figure out.

So back to my story. The rest of the book is about all the adventures Igor Igor has trying to find his baby son who is already a young man by now and very good at steeling and cheating people who are not Gypsies. You can see where this is going, right? Igor Two, who only ever went by the name Timbo, runs into his father but doesn’t know its his father, but he figures out this guy made his fortune in a gold mine, and so he plans to cheat him out of his fortune. It takes a lot of exciting scenes and unexpected things to happen before Igor Igor finaly figures out whom Timbo is, and although I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, its when he’s dying that he finds out. So its one of these really sad but really deep stories about all the truth of everything getting found out but only at the end of the story when its too late for anyone to end up happy.

You might think I told you the whole story here so how could it be 175,000 words long, more or less? Well, you’ll just have to read the whole story to find out. That’s why I attached it to this email. When you decide to call me, try not to call until after 8:00 AM (remember I live in California so you have to allow, for the time difference) as I like to sleep in a bit. But anytime after that is fine. I am excitedly looking forward excitedly to hearing from you so we can talk about how much money you expect this book to make and who would be a good director for the movie version. This will be so fun!!!

Your friend,
Tawny Lionheart; Author  

(It’s my nome de plume. I made it up since my real name is Myrtle Margaret Agnes May Brown and thats just too awful for anyone.)

 

 

Johannes Vermeer painting A Lady Writing, circa 1665

Lion cartoon courtesy Pixaby

 

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Comments on: "Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent" (25)

  1. It would be great if we could get away with something like this for a query letter. It at least shows the personality of the author.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so clever. I bet agents get a lot like this.

    Of course, not from me. No. No way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha, now that’s a query letter. Surely the agents will be fighting over that author. 😄

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well they haven’t so far. One of these days I know I’ll get it right. Dontcha think so, Carrie?

      BTW, are comments on your blog closed? I read your posts but can’t find a way to reply. But then I am the most technically deficient yokel who ever used a computer.

      Like

  4. Shari, you made my day, bless you!🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Like

  5. Haha!! 😀😀 Sharon, this is BRILLIANT!! I’ve read it twice now and can’t stop laughing…Tawny suffers from a slight, i.e. Huge case of over-confidence, egomania! Oh yes, the perfect query letter to show how NOT to write them…the mis-spellings are great, the names so funny and I love the casual personal approach and absolute belief that the book is so great and will be loved! 😀😀

    Like

  6. PLEASE let me know when I can buy copies of Going for Cold. I would like you to autograph all the copies so I can give them to my friends as birthday presents. Please say: “To my dearest and smartest best friend in the whole world who knows good literature when she knows it.”

    I really relate to Igor Igor. This is your literary masterpiece and everything else you’ve written is . . . well, just is. I can’t believe you’ve kept it a secret from all of us for so long.

    Like

    • Oh lord, Judy, if this is my literary masterpiece, I am in way worse trouble than I thought. How about if I write, “To my dearest and smartest best friend…” on the back of a clean napkin – will that do? At least you’ll have something handy when you sneeze.

      Like

  7. Hilarious! You’re so clever! Also I would love to go to Outer Slobovia – where did you say it was again?

    Like

  8. Sharon what a wonderful start to my morning. You had me laughing out loud. Luckily everyone is out so I could do so without startling anyone. The research of the publisher is to be commended, mention of Mum moaned, spelling errors should be corrected the rest you never know your luck. It may just be the point of difference to get you there (but don’t try it till all else has failed.)

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  9. Dear Torny,

    Thanks SO MUCH Tornee for sending me your Gothic historical fiction steampunk romance adventure novel. You’ll never believe this, but I was just wondering the streets of Slob (capital of Outer Slobovia, as you know), spending the millions of zlotys that I earn from being a literarary agent, and I was thinking “what I need is a Gothic historical fiction steampunk romance adventure novel” and look what was waiting for me in my intray!

    I’m not going to bother reading it but will just trust your Mum’s judgment (Mum’s are always right!) that it’s a good book. Also, it’s about a beautiful girl – and guess what: I’m beautiful too! So I know instantly that this book is gonna renovate with all beautiful girls everywhere. And then the mother dies! That is a touch of genious Twany. I’ve never read a book where the mother dies! I was tearing up just reading your kiwi letter!

    As for the rest of the story, all I can say is Ditto Ditto!

    As for the title, Going for Cold: I can clearly see you must have been one of those clever advertising copywriters before you went into novelling as your’e so obviously good at coming up with turtles that are catching (hey, great pun: Going for Cold: catching! Get it? Can you try and work this into the book somehow Trawly?)

    Now, done to business. I’m going to pay you 1 zloty per word, plus an extra bonus of 50 zlotys for the movie rights. That comes to a total of .. a lot of zlotys. Of course, I’ll be earning much much more that you but I have to do so much more work than you. How long did it take you to write it? A weekend? Two?

    I also have to fly to Hollywood to negociate the movie rights. I’m not realy up on the latest movie directors, Tufty, but my first thoughts are Kubrick or Wilder. Someone mentioned Ang
    Lee so I may try and see her to.

    Your New Agent and Business Partner

    P.S. Hdroski

    Like

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